Felicity has been with us for 5 months. 5 months as a family of 6. 5 months of having a daughter. In those 5 months we have travelled to the other side of the world, just my husband and I. We experienced a different culture. We saw one of the Wonders of the World. We ate GREAT Chinese food. We toured Little Flower Projects, where some of the most medically needy orphans are cared for and thriving. We travelled to our daughter's Province. She was placed in our arms. We toured her orphanage. We travelled to another city and spent time with some amazing adoptive families. We journeyed home.
The trip was incredible. Life changing.
But, not as life changing as what was to come after we came home.
I always thought I had a heart for orphans. I have organized a small fundraiser for the last three years for Little Flower Projects. My heart breaks when I see photos of orphans and when I hear stories of children being abandoned. I have hung photos of orphans on our refrigerator to pray for them. Yet, my heart was not broken open and wrecked until now.
Not even visiting Felicity's orphanage was that life changing.
Seeing rows of cribs and beds, knowing that they are filled with orphans . . .
Not even being in a room with so many of the younger ones playing, knowing they are all orphans (except for two :-).
No, not even that.
The change did not come until we were home. Until our daughter, an orphan no more, walked among us. Smiled at us. Until I cuddled her to sleep. Until she woke up smiling at me each morning. Until she shared meals with us.
Until we called her daughter.
Then. Then I was wrecked for the orphan.
It started as a gentle whisper. I would hold Felicity and rock her to sleep.
I want to do this again.
I laughed it off at first. I have been in a sleep deprived state since we have gotten home. Surely, some of this is just sleep-deprived delirium.
Yet, it has persisted. This overwhelming feeling. We need to do this again.
Something changed, profoundly, when we accepted the call and invited an orphan into our family. She is no longer an orphan. She is one of us. The depth of the blessing that she is to our family is indescribable. I often wonder if the amazement and awe I feel when I look at her of all that God has done will wear off. I am sure it may some day, but until then, each day I look at Felicity and I am utterly blown away by God's goodness. I often wonder why us? Why did He bless us with asking us to adopt?
And what if we said no? What if we did not answer the call?
Oh, Felicity would have been adopted. That I am sure. But, why should she, why should any orphan have to wait even one day longer than necessary to be called by name; to be a daughter, son, sister or brother. There are others. Waiting.
Why shouldn't we adopt again?
The night Pete and I saw the pre-screening of The Drop Box, we were walking to our car and talking.
"We are going to adopt again," Pete said. Half question, but more statement.
Oh, yes, I thought, we will . . .
Honestly, we do not know if we really will adopt again. We talk about it often. We pray about it. Now, we wait on God and His leading and timing.
But, what I do know is that this adoption has wrecked me. Things, life, seem just a little different. Maybe when the dust settles from all the change, life will go back to normal and the way I view the world will go back to the way it was. But, I hope not. I hope I stay wrecked. For a long time . . .