This is a topic I have avoided blogging about for a while. Mostly because I have not wanted to share. But, this blog was not started for the sake of those who happen to read it. It was started for our family. I write for myself and those 4 other blessings who I get to share life with. And I need to write this for me. To, hopefully, really give it all to God and not hold on anymore.
I am not sure exactly what happened. Well, I know what happened. But it was like whiplash. So fast. One moment our application is accepted with an adoption agency. We had the orientation call. Poured over piles of paperwork. We were one step away from writing a big check. About to embark on the journey of bringing home a waiting child from China.
And then we weren't. All forward action stopped.
We are not adopting.
This is not the place to go into details. This post is about my feelings about all of this. Has the desire to adopt gone? No. Truth be told, I wish it had gone. The last few months have been hard. Really hard. Most days, it stays below the surface. But then there are days when God's no seems to stare at me and I cannot avoid it's reality. And those days hurt. I have cried a lot over the last few months. Asking God just for an answer to a simple question. Why? Why would the desire to adopt be so strong? Why have I had this desire from before the time I was married, for it to go unfulfilled. Why? When my motives, I believe, are not selfish. Yes, I would love more children. To hold a baby again. For the boys to have more siblings. But more so, my heart breaks when I pray for the orphans around the world. Children unwanted in the US. Children, orphaned throughout the world due to poverty, disease, or government policies. Moms, around the world who are forced to give up their children for one reason or another, who hope that their children are given a chance. A family.
But, I have not gotten an answer. I try to remain a woman of hope. But, I am not hopeful right now. As much as I have let go, I know I have held on to the desire to adopt a little too tightly, a little too long. It it time to truly let it go and give it to God. Knowing He knows my heart and He knows what is best for our family.