Monday, July 9, 2012

Adoption: Where we are at

This is a topic I have avoided blogging about for a while.  Mostly because I have not wanted to share.  But, this blog was not started for the sake of those who happen to read it.  It was started for our family.  I write for myself and those 4 other blessings who I get to share life with.  And I need to write this for me.  To, hopefully, really give it all to God and not hold on anymore.

I am not sure exactly what happened.  Well, I know what happened.  But it was like whiplash.  So fast.  One moment our application is accepted with an adoption agency.  We had the orientation call.  Poured over piles of paperwork.  We were one step away from writing a big check.  About to embark on the journey of bringing home a waiting child from China.

And then we weren't.  All forward action stopped.

We are not adopting.

This is not the place to go into details.  This post is about my feelings about all of this.  Has the desire to adopt gone?  No.  Truth be told, I wish it had gone.  The last few months have been hard.  Really hard.  Most days, it stays below the surface.  But then there are days when God's no seems to stare at me and I cannot avoid it's reality.  And those days hurt.  I have cried a lot over the last few months.  Asking God just for an answer to a simple question.  Why?  Why would the desire to adopt be so strong? Why have I had this desire from before the time I was married, for it to go unfulfilled.  Why?  When my motives, I believe, are not selfish.  Yes, I would love more children.  To hold a baby again.  For the boys to have more siblings.  But more so, my heart breaks when I pray for the orphans around the world.  Children unwanted in the US.  Children, orphaned throughout the world due to poverty, disease, or government policies.  Moms, around the world who are forced to give up their children for one reason or another, who hope that their children are given a chance.  A family.

But, I have not gotten an answer.   I try to remain a woman of hope.  But, I am not hopeful right now.  As much as I have let go, I know I have held on to the desire to adopt a little too tightly, a little too long.  It it time to truly let it go and give it to God.  Knowing He knows my heart and He knows what is best for our family.


6 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. It sounds like God indeed has a plan, but how frusterating not to know and to be put so close to the end, and then go back to the beginning!

    The other day I read about a horrid orphanage in Bavaria: http://www.only1mom.com/2012/02/help-provide-medical-care-to-orphans.html So sad!

    I applaud your efforts to adopt. You do have good motives and God has an answer. I will keep you and all those orphans waiting to be adopted in my prayers.

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  2. my family has the same desire. we have kept this desire private for far too long since we have legitimate roadblocks. i've currently been more open with this call - All for His glory. i've prayed for His direction and the grace to offer up my desires and heartache over the children that we can not physically embrace. with His grace we have found peace in His will for us and trust that He will remove the obstacles if it is His will. right now, His will is for us to spiritually adopt these children that so desperately need a forever home. we pray that our spiritual parenthood will glorify Him and save souls.

    i will continue to pray for your intentions and the graces for you to find peace and joy in His will for your blessed family.

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  3. I'm so sorry, Katie. I knew that all talk of adoption had suddenly stopped but did not want to pry in front of the boys. You have been in my thoughts and prayers with regard to this intention though. God's ways are certainly mysterious. Praying that you find peace and acceptance and that more may be revealed to you one day. His grace is sufficient.

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  4. Dear Katie, Your blog post is so honest; your desire to follow the will of God so palpable. God uses hearts like yours! You've expressed well the pain & frustration of not understanding why something right and good doesn't come to fruition. We just want to understand! ...yet He just wants us to trust and walk with Him.

    Thank you for your example of willing your heart to give Him your unanswered questions and placing your desires in His care. God has surely shaped your desires and given you gifts that He is and will continue to use, though you may not be seeing the beautiful plan just yet.

    God bless you and your wonderful family.

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  5. Am so sorry for your pain, will be praying that God brings you peace if not answers soon.

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  6. Wow, that is a difficult decision and one I have to make as well. Praying that your burden be lifted and that you have some peace.

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