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A topic I do not blog about much

Before I got married, I could not imagine having more than two kids.  I guess since I came from a family of two, two seemed more than enough.  More than two seemed a bit crazy. Ten years of marriage and three kids later and I cannot imagine life without these three boys.  And I would love to have more kids.  It is not because I want to "try for a girl".  I really do not care if I ever have a girl.  It is because being a mom is the best thing I have ever done and I realize clearly that children are a gift.

But, for reasons I do not want to share or feel the need to explain, we are in a position that having any more children is not likely. About 90% of the time I am totally at peace with that and do not even think about the fact that my three boys are all that I may have.  But at other times it is hard.

We live in one of those rare communities where the teachings of the Catholic Church are celebrated and where children are not seen as a burden, but for what they are, a gift.  A joy. A blessing.  So, we are surrounded by big families and many pregnant women.  With each announcement of another family expecting, I am truly happy for them, but it is a little reminder that I am not one of them, nor am I likely to become one of them.

Yesterday, I was at a bridal shower.  The bride-to-be had just gotten a full set of silver ware and for some reason, it was getting passed around.  The box was heavy.  When it came to my area of the room, a pregnant friend sitting near me said, "Pass it to Katie. She is not pregnant." Now, I know that she meant nothing by it, nor could she have known how it would affect me. But, it was like salt in a wound I did not even know I had.  At that moment I wanted nothing more than to crawl out of that room, find the closest bathroom and cry. 

My life is very full and blessed.  I am married to the best man I know. I have three great sons.  Homeschooling my boys, working part time as a personal trainer and life coach, and working to achieve my own goals (my running), I feel blessed everyday.  And counting my thousand gifts has helped me stay centered on that.  But, it is the moments that I am reminded of the blessings that may not come that bring me to a place of prayer, asking God for peace and acceptance of His Will.

Comments

  1. Katie,
    Love the new look to the blog.

    I'm without words to offer as comfort. God bless you.

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  2. Katie, sorry that happened at such a fun day. You know how I feel and you have comforted me at my "not being pregnant"...Thy will be done. You are doing a great job and taking those salty moments give us a chance to offer it up for our children we do cherish. Thanks for your openness to this state in life. You are a great friend. +JMJ+

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  3. Katie
    {{}} Those moments do hurt, rationally you know your friend didn't intend to hurt, but it is the little moments that can catch us off guard{{}}

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  4. Really like the header and look of the blog/
    Will pray for increasing peace and less 'salty' days.

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  5. Im so sorry Katie. I wish I knew what to say to bring you some comfort. Everyone has their own way to deal with that.

    There was only one way for me to get over my feelings of wanting more kids. I wouldnt look at babies or even hold them for about a year. I think babies have magical powers;D hahaha

    Now Im cool with it. The thought of having more kids now is not as appealing.

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  6. First, I love your new header. But to the point at hand, I am so sorry that you guys are going through this. It is such a difficult cross. I know that many times for me it was those little things that had the biggest impact. And sometimes I would feel okay with things at the time they happened, but later it would really effect me. I sometimes wonder if I have another loss in the future, if it might be even harder for me now. Even though I will obviously have my little guy to comfort and distract me, I would also truly know how great the gift is that I lost. I imagine it is the same for you - knowing how wonderful your boys are and how much joy they bring to your life, in some ways that makes it harder. Praying for you and willing to talk anytime.

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  7. Sometimes I think of my "uber-fertility" as a cross, but your post reminds me how much of a blessing it really is. Needed this today!!

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  8. Could have written this myself... Prayers for your intentions.

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  9. I think it is wonderful that you were brave enough to blog about your feelings. I agree that it is very difficult in this area sometimes and have come home more than once in tears from a friend's off-hand comment. Wouldn't want to be anywhere else though! Will keep you in my prayers...

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