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Coming to Terms

It usually only happens about once a year. For about a week, once a year, I once again try to come to terms that with the fact I will never have a baby the "normal way". I have had three c-sections, and now, I really have no choice in the matter. If I have any more children, I will have another c-section. And, over six years after I had my first c-section, I still mourn the loss of not being able to have a child naturally.

It usually only happens when I hear of someone who just had a baby who had a natural delivery without any complications or when I have a friend who had to have a c-section. This past week, my friend Sam had to have a c-section. After a few emails abut her being in labor and having some complications, I was up most of that night praying for her. "Lord, please help there to be no serious complications. Lord, please do let this end in a c-section if necessary." But it did. So, c-sections have been in the forefront of my mind since Monday. Then on Wednesday I received a letter from a priest friend of mine who wrote to me to ask a question about c-sections. My immediate thought was, oh, great I cannot get away from it right now.

Lately, though, I am reminded almost daily. I have had some minor complications from my last c-section and I have begun to run longer distances (yes, there is a connection . . . see the next sentence!). After I am done with a long run, I have incision pain which I had never had before. As I stretch out and the pain begins, I think about the birth of my children.

I will be honest, the topic makes me want to cry. I get sad when I think about the fact that I will never be able to experience having a baby naturally. That I will have to have surgery every time. I am not sure if this is normal. I have been a part of some c-section support forums and it just did to seem to fit. Many women are out and out angry and will do anything to have a natural birth (even putting their own self and baby at risk). Other people seem perfectly OK with the fact that they have had c-sections. And I even know of a few that prefer a c-section to natural birth. Maybe I am just an anomaly. I do not know.

This morning, my 3 yr old was talking to my husband about being born. He said"I was in Mommy's tummy. She went to the hospital and got cut open and I was born."

So many things go through my mind when I think about my c-sections:

I wish I were more educated when I had my first. I think I may have been able to avoid being induced and ultimately avoided having, at least my first, c-section.

Why does my body not work the way it is supposed to? Women are supposed to be able to have children without having surgery . . . what is wrong with my body?

Can I do it again?

What are you trying to teach me, Lord?



About two years ago, someone mentioned to me that I should really watch the documentary The Business of Being Born. My husband warned me not to. He had not seen it, but knew what it would do to me. I watched it anyways. The documentary is about what is happening to birth in America. It really focuses on home births and births with midwives. It is beautifully done. I highly recommend it to those who are pregnant for the first time, or those who have had normal hospital births. But, if you have only had c-sections, DO NOT WATCH IT. I cried. Watching women, unmedicated, giving birth in their own homes, made me so sad. They were able to experience something I would never be able to. They were able to hold their babies immediately. I, strapped down to an operating table, only get took look at my babies quickly before the nurses take them to another room. I was depressed for days.

During times like this week, I really try to focus on the fact that I have been able to have three wonderful children. I have been blessed with three healthy, wonderful boys. And, for the most part, there have been no major complications from the c-sections. I try to remember a friend of mine that is struggling with infertility. I am sure she would go through a c-section any day if it meant she were able to have her own child. Even with all of these things, on days like this, it is still hard not to get sad.

Comments

  1. Katie, I absolutely believe that you should mourn your loss. My heart breaks for you and although I've never experienced what you have, I can understand your feelings of loss and disappointment. I'm sure, in time, those feelings will eventually fade into the background.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry that you are sad that you missed out on the experience of natural childbirth. I know its something many women want to have.

    But at least we live in a time that c-sections are available. And now C-section mommies still get to be mommies. In the old days our babies and/or ourselves could have easily died:(

    I would have lost my middle child if it werent for c-sections. So I am very grateful for c-section procedures:)

    I was never a person that looked forward to labor. (Its just not my thing) I wouldnt have minded if someone just showed up and put a baby in my arms...that would have been awesome:) I actually prefer a planned c-section. It just seems like a lot less drama (no frantic drive to the hospital at 3am, not finding last minute childcare for older kids, and personally I think it hurts a lot less....but thats me. I'm a wimp)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Krazy Girl- I think if I had been in your situation with your second child, I too would have been so grateful for my c-section. My first c-section, after lots of reading and research, I believe could have been avoided. I was just not progressing the way the Drs wanted me to. Simply, I do not think J was ready to come out and my body was not ready for labor (I was induced because I was overdue).

    I am thankful for ability to have any children via c-sections.

    The part that gets me is the spinal . . . I hate the thought of a long needle that close to my spine!! I would gladly take the pain of childbirth over the spinal!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have to agree the long needle next to your spine is totally freaky:O

    The doctors who specializes in VBAC's are highly trained. I know there is still danger but maybe you should try it next time. Since you have a history of c-sections they will probably have everything waiting for you if needed.

    I hope you are feeling better.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for all your prayers...I need lots of questions answered from you...you are a great source of wisdom to many. I am sorry you have to suffer in this way+

    ReplyDelete

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